Stephanie Denise Brown

Somehow, I made it into work today. But I am a zombie. A zombie who has to train 2 people today from 9:30 to 12: 30.

Since I feel like a zombie, I wonder if I can just bite them both on the arm and have them mysteriously turn into office drones who instinctively know what to do without instruction.

That would be awesome!

Okay, seriously--pray that I don't throw myself over the stairs before the day is over.

On another note--I got lots of good materials at BEA for my job, which I hauled in today. Yay, super me. I am a super zombie!

Today, I read my horoscope and it states:

Your dreams are important to you and right now you are frustrated because these dreams seem to be standing still. They may even be moving backward. Don't get down on yourself for this. Realize that this backward movement is part of the process.

This couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. I thought I'd spend my two days off writing but I didn't. I read a lot (reread Toni Morrison's Beloved) but I didn't write a single word of fiction. For some reasons, I couldn't get the thoughts to flow. It was like my characters were bottled up and so my fingers just couldn't type.

Last night, I was dismayed because I knew I blew my only two days off and this week I will be tossed into work work work that will distract me not only at the office but at home as well.

I've started drafting a new grant proposal for Mattel. I'm hoping the library can get at least $25,000 out of it. (Fingers crossed.) In some ways, grant writing is formulaic and in other ways, it's completely time consuming and frustrating. There's always something that can be made clearer. There's always this power/ego struggle when you're working with a "grant writing team." There's always the waking up in the middle of the night because you just remembered something you could have and should have said but it's too late because you've already sent off the proposal by FedEx overnight shipping and there's no getting it back and if the proposal is met with a big fat NO you automatically think that it's your fault for not doing the best you could and suddenly the weight of more than 50,000 city residents is on your shoulders because after all, your efforts will either enhance or detract from the services they receive (and some so desperately need).

I had a talk with my boss last week about my frustrations with the work that I'm doing and the hours I put into my job. Her response: "But you're so good at what you do!" I'm good at eating lots of food but that doesn't mean I should actually do it all day long. "Well, if you don't like your hour commute, maybe you should think about moving to Monterey Park." Oh, thanks. I'd love to move and basically write myself into not only a job but also a lease for a year. Doesn't she get it--I don't plan on staying much longer so there's no incentive for me to put make roots here.

In the fall, I will start teaching a 3-unit class at a junior college in the Los Angeles Community College District (I don't have my specific assignment yet--I'm hoping it will be a M/W or Sat class). My wish is that this short term post will lead to a full time job with one of the district's campuses.

In the meantime, my dreams are going backwards or rather--my dreams are taking a backseat to my career. That's just how it has to be right now, no matter how hard I try to fight it.